Thursday, August 5, 2010

Not so well done

This morning I have come to the revelation of my self in the light of my makers eyes. It is however the view from my point of view.
I remember a quote from a movie between two characters as they talked about G-d, and the one stated;"G-d loves crazy people!", "why do you say that?" asks the other;"because He made so many of them.".
I read over and over in scriptures and also from the lives of others of how G-d loves them so much. It is a beautiful and marvelous thing to hear of someone coming into this knowledge of The G-d of the universe loves them so much. I love the story of Jesus' love for Peter even after the three denials.
The story of the woman caught in adultery is probably one of my favorite scenes of the love of Jesus towards a very lost, confused love seeking person. I can accept this scene for the woman and am thankful for her new life received by the forgiveness of her ways.
G-ds love is amazing, rich, deep and unfathomable. How else could one explain the emptying of Jesus as it says in Philippians 2:7-8;"but made himself nothing, taking in the form of a slave, being born in the likeness if men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross."?
Outside of the intellectual assent of these truths of G-d, I am finding it so difficult to accept this love for myself. I will gladly accept it for others and see, even in the worst of people how G-d could care and want to change and deliver them. I just cannot see it for myself how such a wonderful G-d can love, like or even want to be with me.
My greatest fear in this world which reaches into the next, is that I will stand before the G-d who made me and hear the fateful words to this unfaithful servant;"Not so well done, not so good and unfaithful servant." This idea absolutely is plaguing me from going forth in life other than the daily duties.
It has become my state of paralytic dysfunction. I want so much to do something beautiful for Jesus. I want to serve, teach, learn and grow, but it is my fear of disappoints that prevents me from making one more mistake. My mistakes must now stack as high to the throne of G-d.
Yes I know, everyone makes mistakes, but these are my mistakes and my mistakes have affected to many people.
So as I grapple with accepting this love gift from a benevolent G-d, the words come forth in a whisper from Psalm 103:2-5; "Bless the L-rd oh my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your(my)iniquities , who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like eagles."
Oh Lord help me accept your crazy wonderful love for me, Noel, a sinner who just wants to be with his Father in heaven and please him above all others. I hope and pray that I am one of those crazy people that G-d loves so much.

1 comment:

  1. What a good post! Very heartfelt and causes some deep thinking and soul searching. You speaking of love reminds me of thoughts I had on Sunday when I was hit with the reality, once again, of what Jesus did for me on that day He died. A phrase of a song, "I'll never know how much it cost, to see my sin upon that cross" caused me to think of the weight of what really went on that day. I can't even imagine the emptiness, and darkness He experienced when His Father turned His face away, and Christ did it for me! And then I ask, "what have I done for Him?"

    You say, "I want so much to do something beautiful for Jesus" and I do too. But my question is, "How do we make our lives beautiful for Him?"